Until I Smile At You
by E. Wallace
Summary: A misunderstanding derails Jean-Luc and Beverly's fledgling relationship. The way back to a reunion can't possibly be smooth.
1. Chapter 1

Disclaimer: Paramount owns Star Trek, I just borrow their toys.

Disclaimer, part 2: I hate this title. It was just supposed to be a working title but I haven't been able to come up with anything better.

Aboard the Enterprise E but the time line veers off somewhere before 'First Contact'.

Until I Smile At You  
by E. Wallace  
1998

Chapter 1

She lay staring at the ceiling for a moment before rolling over, resting her hand on the pillow on the empty side of the bed. Beverly Crusher ran her hand lightly back and forth, thinking about how her life had changed three weeks ago.

Three short weeks. Three weeks of waking up next to him, here or in his quarters, and it had become such a habit that she wasn't sure how she would get through the next six days without him. It already felt strange, being here alone.

She smiled as she recalled _that_ dinner - the wine, the comfortable conversation. And the casual good night kiss, no different from countless others, except that without warning it had changed from casual to passionate. A change that suddenly seemed exactly right. Beverly knew she ought to be mad at herself for keeping Jean-Luc at arm's length for so long, but how could she when everything felt so good now?

With a groan, she threw back the covers and got out of bed, determined not to even think about Jean-Luc Picard for the rest of the day. Her good intention lasted all the way to the closet where she found one of his shirts. She slipped it on over her nightgown. It carried the lingering scent of his aftershave, and she idly wondered what people would think if she wore it instead of her uniform. _'Damn! He's been gone less than a day, and I'm standing around day dreaming like some love-struck teenager. I should be wonderful entertainment for Deanna at the staff meeting!'_

_oxo_

By the fourth day, an uncharacteristic gloom had settled over her. She hadn't heard a word from him, not even the briefest message. Of course, that didn't really mean anything. Did it? Maybe this mission simply didn't allow time for anything else.

Beverly moved restlessly around her cabin. Tonight, she just couldn't seem to sit still. She couldn't concentrate to read, even her tea sat ignored on the table. The doctor had turned down several invitations for meals and entertainment. In fact, she hadn't left her quarters the last two days except for her duty shifts.

Thoughts of Jean-Luc filled her mind. Every moment of their time together, every word.

Except those three words.

She loved him, why hadn't she told him? He hadn't said it either, even though she'd known how he felt ever since Kesprytt, no matter how hard he had tried to convince her that he 'didn't have those feelings anymore'. As if he could lie with those implants they'd had. Not that she had been able to keep her thoughts private when they were standing on opposite sides of the border. So, if they knew each other's thoughts, why couldn't they say the words? She massaged her temples, trying to relieve the tightness brought on by the circles her brain insisted on running in.

The comm system chirped. "Sickbay to Dr. Crusher."

"Crusher here."

"The bridge just notified us that we're responding to a distress signal. 61 people on a damaged transport ship."

"Casualties?"

"No details yet. We're on a course to intercept in 17 minutes."

Grabbing her lab coat, Beverly headed for the door. "All right, you know the drill. I'm on my way!"

oxo

Thirty-six hours later, Beverly Crusher made her way back to her cabin. She stayed close to the wall all the way down the corridor from the turbolift, mostly in an effort to remain standing. Most of the transport's passengers merely had minor injuries, but nearly everybody had one. Of the few serious wounds, only eleven of those were really life threatening. Still, it had been an exhausting time, taxing her staff almost to the limit.

The cabin door opened, and she headed for the bedroom without even calling up the lights. It was only force of habit that made her change into a nightgown. She smiled as she realized it was Jean-Luc's favorite. The dark green satin hugged every curve, and the matching robe concealed only slightly more. Jean-Luc said he felt like he was unwrapping a gift when she wore it.

Thinking about Jean-Luc was a mistake. She missed him terribly and wished she could be going to sleep in his arms instead of a cold, lonely bed. At least this was the last time. He would be home in a few hours, and even exhausted, she could think of several ways to make up for lost time. She smiled again, the wicked little smile that had been known to send shivers up the bravest spine. Who knew what she could come up with when she was fresh?

The door chime sounded before she could turn down the bed. She groaned in frustration, tempted to climb in, pull the covers over her head and ignore it. It really couldn't be serious; she would have been paged for an emergency. The chime sounded again, then an immediate third time. Well, whoever it was, they were persistent. Grabbing her robe, Beverly headed for the door. If she had any hope of getting some sleep, she had to get rid of whoever it was.

She blinked in the sudden light that flooded through the open door, silhouetting the tall figure looming before her. "Are we breakfasting in the dark, Red?"

"Micah? What are you doing here? And don't call me 'Red', it brings up very bad memories." Micah Assenav had been a pleasant surprise among the Trebor's passengers. Friends since her internship on Delos IV, they had kept in touch through the years, seeing each other at conferences and one family shore leave with Wesley and Micah's wife and two daughters. Contact had been rather lax the last couple of years, and they were both looking forward to a chance to catch up.

"Computer, lights 50%," he said with a chuckle as he entered. "Still as charming as ever first thing in the morning, I see. And still inclined to oversleep. Nice outfit, good color. Where can I get one for Nora? What's for breakfast?"

Beverly caught his arm as he headed past her toward the replicator. "I didn't oversleep because I haven't been to bed yet, Nora looks hideous in green, and how can you think of breakfast in the middle of the night?"

He finally stopped to take a good look at her, seeing the lines of fatigue around her mouth and the dark circles under her eyes. He cupped her cheek in his large hand. "I'm sorry, Beverly, I didn't realize you had been working this whole time. It's 0600. We were supposed to have breakfast, remember?" Micah leaned down to kiss her forehead. "Never mind, love, you just go to bed. You need rest more than I need food."

She laughed, taking his hand in hers. "Computer, lights full. Micah, I hope to see the day you don't need food." She motioned for him to sit at the table while she placed the order at the replicator. Simple and light for her; substantially more for him.

"I only said you needed rest more. Never fear, my dear, starvation was not in my plans. Your Ten Forward is already well acquainted with me."

She groaned dramatically as she sat down. "I'll bet half the ship knows who you are."

"Speaking of bets," he drawled, rubbing his chin, "I suppose I should tell you now that I sat in on last night's poker game." He quickly handed her an extra napkin as she choked on her tea. "I only told them a couple of stories. I didn't dare go too far. There are too many things you could tell Nora about me."

The rest of the meal was taken up with more good-natured ribbing as the conversation flowed from family to work to do-you-remembers to a dozen other things. Seeing the sparkle in her eyes, Micah pounced on the merest mention of Jean-Luc. His teasing quickly turned to reassurances when she told him of her doubts. He politely informed her that the man would have to be out of his mind not to love her.

Decaffeinated tea or not, finally she could no longer keep her eyes open. Micah took pity on her. Having cleared the dishes, he draped an arm around her shoulders as they walked to the door. "Now, you had better prepare yourself for the inquisition. Nora is going to be on the first sub-space connection she can make to hear all the details for herself." He paused in the open doorway before continuing softly, "She's going to be as happy for you as I am." Wrapping her in a bear hug, he lifted her off her feet.

oxo

Alone in his quarters, Jean-Luc Picard tried desperately to forget what he'd just witnessed.

He'd used every trick he knew to complete his diplomatic mission early, wanting only to get back to Beverly. He hoped he could convince her to take some time off so they could spend a whole day together. Upon returning to the Enterprise, he had waved off Will Riker's attempt to update him on the events he'd missed, leaving instructions not to disturb him for anything less than a red alert. His plans to join Beverly for breakfast turned into a surprise for him. A most unwelcome surprise.

The man was tall, towering over even Beverly's graceful height. Dark hair and eyes, broad shoulders-and a voice that carried even in a low, intimate tone. "...you can't take many nights like that." She playfully slapped his arm as he continued. "Sleep, love. I'll see you soon."

Jean-Luc watched Beverly watch the man saunter down the corridor. When he disappeared around the curve, she waited a moment longer before turning back into her cabin. "Computer, lights out!" was the last thing he heard as the door slid shut behind her.

Now, hours later, he couldn't block the images from his mind, no matter how hard he tried.

oxo

After sleeping most of the day, the first thing Beverly did upon waking was to check the computer for Jean-Luc's arrival time. She was stunned to learn he had returned to the Enterprise several hours ago. Why hadn't he come to her? _'Maybe he did,'_ she thought, _'and I slept right through it.'_

She quickly showered and dressed, choosing a soft floral dress that swirled around her legs when she moved. Confirming that Jean-Luc was in his quarters-and alone-she checked herself in the mirror one last time and left her cabin.

At his door, she tapped in the entry code he had given her. It didn't work. She tried again with the same result. _'So much for the element of surprise,'_ she thought as she rang the chime instead.

"Come." The invitation wasn't particularly hospitable.

"Welcome back, Jean-Luc!" she said gaily as she breezed into the room.

Picard was seated at his desk. Not only didn't he rise to greet her, his eyes never left the computer screen.

She perched on the edge of the desk in front of him. "Something tells me your mission didn't go the way you wanted it."

"The mission went exactly as planned," he replied sharply, still not looking at her.

Beverly frowned slightly. She reached out, gentle fingers pulling his chin so that he faced her. "So what's wrong?" She felt him stiffen then he stood and moved away from her. "Okay, maybe you'll feel like talking later. By the way, the entry code you gave me didn't work."

"I deleted it."

Her eyes widened in surprise at his harsh tone. He was angry - with her. "Jean-Luc, I..."

"This was clearly a mistake." He spoke quickly. "It's time we acknowledged it and ended it as pleasantly as possible. I realize it may be awkward for a while, but it will be for the best in the end."

Beverly stared at him in confusion. "Apparently I didn't get enough sleep, because I'm not following you. What was a mistake?"

"Our... relationship." Stumbling over the word, he grimaced and averted his gaze as the confusion in her eyes was replaced by pain.

"You think our relationship was a mistake? Why? What happened?"

"Beverly, don't do this."

"Don't do what?" she demanded. "Don't ask questions? I think I have a right to know. When you left, everything was fine. What happened in six days to make you change your mind?"

He had wanted to avoid this kind of scene, afraid his anger would make him say something he didn't want to say. Which he did. "It didn't take six days. This morning was more than enough."

Pain gave way to fury. Standing nose to nose with him, Beverly needed a bit more detail. "This morning? Did you have some kind of epiphany? Or did you just decide that reality simply wasn't as good as your expectations? I'm so sorry, Jean-Luc, that I didn't live up to 25 years of your fantasies!" Words dripping with icy sarcasm, she followed him step for step as he tried to back away. "What was it? Was I too meek or too passionate? Was I too independent or too clinging? Please, do tell me where I went wrong. I wouldn't want to make the same mistake next time."

"Your 'next time' looked quite satisfied from where I stood!" He cursed his temper again as the words left his mouth.

Slowly the pieces began falling together. "This morning. My next time." Her blue eyes darkened, sparking dangerously. "I don't know what you think you saw, but it seems your over active imagination managed to turn it into something else!"

"That touching farewell, complete with you in your nightgown didn't require any embellishment! I've been on the receiving end, remember?"

Beverly raised her hand but stopped herself. "You're right. This was a mistake. It was a mistake to believe you could ever sustain a long term relationship," she sneered. "You're a coward, Jean-Luc, always finding someone or something else to blame. With Jenice, it was your career; with Nella, you said you couldn't send her out into danger. And there were who knows how many in between. Were you running out of excuses or just lazy? Is that why you resorted to the infidelity scenario with me? I suppose I must thank you for simply dumping me. You could have fallen back on your precious Shakespeare and strangled me, like Othello." She leaned in close, her voice dropping to a hiss. "And you didn't even need Iago whispering in your ear. You did it all yourself." He stood, rooted in place, when she moved toward the door. As it opened, she turned back. "Now I finally understand why Data had such a hard time in his efforts to become more human - he kept turning to you for a role model."

Beverly forced herself to walk, not run, back to her cabin. She stepped just out of the door's sensor range, allowing it to close. Her knees buckled then, and she sank to the floor, sobbing.

oxo

Having no place to go for breakfast the next morning, Beverly started her day in Sickbay early. Her staff knew her well...and this was not a good sign. She did her best not to inflict her bad mood on anyone else, staying in her office, catching up on paperwork. She watched the time for the senior staff meeting come and go. They were used to her being late, but it was generally because she was busy. This time, she was simply dreading it.

"Dr. Crusher?" She looked up to see Alyssa Ogawa standing in the doorway. "You were due at the staff meeting ten minutes ago."

"I know. Do you think they'd notice if I didn't show up?" The question was obviously rhetorical as Beverly stood, jamming her hands in the pockets of her lab coat.

"That bad, huh?"

"Worse."

"I can't help you there," Alyssa said, pointing up, "but I'll be glad to run interference for you down here."

Beverly wrapped a friendly arm around the young woman's shoulders. "You know, Alyssa, the only reason I promoted you to lieutenant is because they said saint wasn't an official rank. I have absolutely no idea why you put up with me."

oxo

The officers seated around the conference table didn't require Deanna Troi's empathic abilities to feel the tension level rise the moment the doctor joined them.

Will Riker paused in his report as she took her seat without a word, not even her usual apology for being late. Folding her hands on the table, she waited for him to continue.

Later, her own Sickbay report was delivered in soft, measured tones, directly to the Captain. He looked away first.

Picard closed the meeting with an abrupt "Dismissed," and strode quickly out to the bridge. All eyes turned to the doctor as she rose from her chair.

"Beverly..."

"Not now, Deanna."

The counselor scrambled out of her chair, intending to go all the way to Sickbay if necessary. Beverly heard her and turned at the door. "I said, not now." The words were softly spoken, but Deanna felt almost as though she had been physically struck. Will caught her arm, guiding the startled woman back to her seat.

Everyone was shaken to realize that there was something more intimidating than the legendary Howard temper. That fire always burned itself out. But they had no frame of reference for this forbidding calm.

tbc


	2. Chapter 2

Chapter 2

Over the next week, an oppressive malaise spread through the Enterprise. Though not openly hostile toward one another, the strain between the Captain and the Doctor was keenly felt by everyone. Sickbay and the bridge were places to be avoided whenever possible.

Deanna, having been rebuffed at every turn by both parties, decided things had gone far enough when the situation took a disturbing new twist. She entered Beverly's office without a greeting and sat down without an invitation.

"What can I do for you, Deanna?" Beverly asked with a polite smile, though she had a good idea what was coming. She'd known a visit from the counselor was inevitable from the moment she sent in the request. Of course, that didn't make it any easier to face.

"You can tell me why you're requesting a transfer and why the hell I had to hear it from Will, not you."

Beverly opted for a selective response. "There's a research project on Starbase 972 that's gone a bit astray, and Starfleet needs someone to get it back on track. They approached me, it sounded interesting -"

"More interesting than the dozen others you've turned down in the past, claiming you'd be bored in less than a month?" Deanna scoffed. "Try again."

"It's the fastest, easiest way off the Enterprise."

Starkly phrased, it was a bit of absolute honesty that Deanna never expected. It was the last she would get. She felt her friend shut down, closing off the pain.

Beverly scooped up a stack of padds and rose. "If you're free, why don't we go to Ten Forward for some lunch? We could finish up these crew evaluations. I need to get them out of the way before I leave." Deanna followed silently in her wake, wondering where she'd lost control of the conversation.

oxo

She was leaving.

In his Ready Room, Picard paced. He glanced again at the padd in his hand then tossed it on the desk when he realized he had been carrying it around for the last hour.

His anger surfaced practically every time he saw her, but he had never considered the possibility of not seeing her.

There was no reason not to grant the request. Besides, it would help him get his life back on track. Maybe, once she was gone, he'd even start having breakfast again. Going to the bridge on an empty stomach did not put him in the best of moods, but he simply hadn't been able to face a morning meal alone these last few days.

oxo

5 days later

Beverly sat at her computer console, unsure of how to begin. As if things weren't chaotic enough, life had just thrown her another curve. _'Life,'_ she thought wryly, _'how appropriate.'_

Two days away from leaving for Starbase 279, and here she was, about to ask to stay in a situation that was becoming more intolerable every minute. She was so looking forward to being the main topic of gossip for the next several months. Granted, she had been part of a major branch of the ship's grapevine for years, but this time there would be visible evidence to support the whispers.

Provided he even agreed to let her stay.

oxo

He could hardly believe his eyes. First, a withdrawal of her request for transfer, and now a personal note. They hadn't really spoken since the argument, were barely even able to be civil about ship's business, now she wanted to stay? He couldn't imagine what would have changed her mind.

_To: Captain Jean-Luc Picard_

_From: Dr. Beverly Crusher_

_Subject: Personal and Confidential_

_Jean-Luc,_

_'I let my temper get the better of me, and I'm sorry for that. Perhaps one day we can sort everything out and at least be friends again._

_Right now, there is something - someone - else for both of us to consider -'_

"Friends? She wants to be friends? How much more torture does she expect me to put up with?" Anger surged through him again as he stabbed at the delete key without reading the rest of the message.

oxo

Deanna was stunned when Will showed her Beverly's request to remain aboard the Enterprise.

"Don't you have any idea what's going on?" He had asked the question twice already and gotten the same answer he was about to get again.

"No, I told you before neither of them is talking, not to me or anyone else. I can't imagine what could have happened. They've never let an argument drag on this long." Deanna crossed her arms tightly. The situation between the captain and CMO was affecting the entire crew, and it was becoming difficult to shield herself.

Will wrapped his arms around her, letting her rest her head on his chest. "Maybe they worked everything out, and that's why she wants to stay," he offered hopefully. He hated seeing two of his best friends hurting each other this way.

She shook her head. "In that case, she wouldn't be asking, he would just be telling."

Will's computer beeped. He reached out one hand to swing the screen around then quickly accessed the message he found there. "Damn."

"What?"

"He just turned her down. _'Transfer to proceed as scheduled'_. What the hell are they doing to each other?"

oxo

Deanna tried again to talk with Beverly. A chat that was uninformative to say the least. The doctor would only say that she believed she'd had a valid reason to stay but was apparently mistaken.

The captain was even less forthcoming. The subject warranted no further discussion and was therefore closed.

oxo

Beverly checked her case one last time. Most of her things had been sent to the transport ship over an hour ago. Glancing around, she sighed. She was going to miss this place. Almost as much as the people.

She had specifically requested that there be no farewell party. She didn't feel like celebrating this particular career change, and judging by the visitors she had received over the last few days, neither did anyone else. At least most of them didn't know she'd asked to stay and been rejected. That really would have made the good-byes excruciating.

Tears welled in her eyes. How could Jean-Luc do this? She knew what family meant to him. She'd helped him mourn the loss of his brother and nephew. Why was he still sending her away? It hurt to realize that after all these years she hadn't really known him.

Picard had even left the ship to avoid having to play the proper captain and say good bye. His ploy would have been less obvious if he'd simply taken a shuttle and disappeared. He'd complained too often in the past to make his willingness to attend the annual Admirals' dinner seem plausible now.

The only bright spot was the fact that Alyssa Ogawa was going, too. It would be nice to have a familiar face on her new team. She always offered only a sympathetic ear and no advice. Besides, Alyssa was the only other person who knew the whole story.

A fresh wave of guilt swept over her. She didn't like keeping Deanna, Will and the others in the dark, but their pity was something she just couldn't handle right now.

tbc


	3. Chapter 3

Chapter 3

7 months later

The Enterprise had arrived at, of all places, Starbase 972. The scheduled refits and upgrades could have performed at several other locations, but Picard had decided he couldn't let his personal feelings take precedence. There were many people on board who would appreciate a chance to see Dr. Crusher and Nurse Ogawa.

At least, that's what he told himself. In truth, he harbored a secret hope that... well, he wasn't exactly sure what he hoped. He only knew he had to see her.

Materializing in the starbase's main transporter room, Picard and Troi were startled by the sight of the woman waiting there. They quickly stepped down from the transporter pad.

"Anne," Picard said, "I wasn't expecting to see you."

"Well, to be honest, I wasn't expecting to see you either. I'm here to meet Counselor Troi."

Deanna was puzzled by the announcement. Dr. Anne Keel Mathis was a civilian researcher stationed at the starbase. She and Beverly were old friends; that was one of the reasons the doctor had chosen her current post. She also happened to be a friend of Captain Picard's, younger sister of the late Walker Keel. Why was she there to meet her and not the Captain? The counselor sensed an underlying coolness in her attitude toward her 'friend'. As Mathis offered her hand, Deanna noticed the coolness did not extend to her.

"I'm pleased to meet you, but a little confused. Are you the regular welcoming committee?" Troi asked.

"Actually, I'm acting as messenger for Beverly Crusher."

Troi heard Picard's breath catch at the mention of the doctor. The captain had known she would seek Beverly out, but they had never discussed it. It wasn't the only thing they hadn't discussed. She was hoping to get some information during this layover. Turning her attention back to Mathis, she said, "I hope there's no medical crisis. I'd be glad to help if I can."

"Let's say there are some things you need to know before you see Beverly." Mathis paused, glancing at the transporter operator. "Why don't we take this discussion somewhere else?" She led them into the corridor and down to a secluded alcove.

"Yesterday, Beverly and some of her team were returning from a conference. Their shuttle suffered a warp nacelle failure and crashed in the shuttle bay. The crash itself wasn't severe, but there were numerous injuries." She paused a moment to let the news sink in, even gaining a bit of hope from Picard's anxious expression. "Beverly required some emergency surgery, but she's going to be fine. She'll be released in a day or two - or as soon as she drives everyone crazy, whichever comes first."

Deanna was unconvinced by the attempt at humor. Oh, she believed Beverly was all right, but something else was just below the surface-and it had to do with the captain.

"Thank you, Anne, for making the time to deliver the news personally. Counselor, I'm sure you'll let the others know." Picard hesitated for a moment, desperately wanting more information himself but knowing he didn't have the right to ask. "Um, I guess I should be checking with Engineering to get a schedule for the refit." It sounded lame, even to his own ears.

Deanna reeled slightly as she felt a wave of anger rush across the room.

"You're really going to do it, aren't you, Picard?" Anne asked incredulously, all semblance of respect vanishing. "You're going to walk away as though none of this concerns you. You aren't even going to ask."

Picard was stunned by his friend's abrupt change and confused by her words. "I don't understand. Ask about what?"

She eyed him distastefully. "What a cold-blooded son of a bitch you've become. I didn't believe it when Beverly told me. I couldn't imagine you throwing her out and certainly not your own child, but now I see it for myself."

"Child?" Picard rasped, his face ashen. "What child?"

"You'll never be able to deny her. The red hair is Beverly's, but those eyes could only be yours. Not that you care, not even enough to ask if she survived."

Deanna had listened to the exchange in shocked silence. Now she stepped forward, trying to ease the tension. "Dr. Mathis, we weren't aware that Beverly was pregnant. She's never mentioned it in any of her letters."

With some effort, she pulled her furious gazed from Picard. Focusing on Troi, her manner softened slightly. "Only you can say that, Counselor. But he knew, and he transferred her off the Enterprise anyway. It's been a long seven months and topping it off with a shuttle crash and premature delivery was the last thing she needed."

"You're wrong, Anne. I didn't know."

"What kind of fool to you take me for? Or her? She had the receipt that showed you read her message. Surely you remember the one she sent when she tried to withdraw her request for a transfer. The one you ignored when you ordered her off your precious ship."

Picard ran a shaking hand over his head. He remembered the note all too well. He even remembered deleting it. "I never finished reading it. I was angry and stupid... Anne, are you sure they're both all right?"

When the doctor didn't answer immediately, Deanna tried again. "He's telling you the truth," she said softly, a single tear running down her cheek. "He didn't know."

Anne Mathis looked from one stricken face to the other. She was glad someone was crying for Beverly-but it really should have been Picard. "As I said, Beverly will be released soon."

"And the baby?" Picard asked. "You said 'she'. It's a girl?"

"Yes, the accident necessitated a Cesarean section. She weighed just over five pounds. Being four weeks premature, she's in the Intensive Care Unit receiving treatment for under developed lungs. Beverly named her Renee Isabel Howard."

"Howard?" Picard was puzzled by the choice.

"Granting you far more consideration than you deserved, she didn't want to give your child Jack's name."

tbc


	4. Chapter 4

Chapter 4

Troi held her breath as Picard looked at his daughter for the first time. His face showed nothing, but the emotions swirling within him threatened to overwhelm the Betazoid woman.

He was furious that Beverly would try to keep something like this from him. His own child! She knew what family meant to him! Anger at Beverly quickly dissolved into self loathing as he realized she had tried to tell him. And once again, he had refused to listen. Beverly was right, he was a coward. That cowardice had cost him the woman he loved and very nearly cost him the chance to know his daughter.

The crib looked so big, and the baby looked so very small in it. Tentatively, he reached in and caressed a soft cheek with the back of his finger.

Renee.

Despite the way she must feel about him, Beverly had considered his family, honoring his nephew who had died far too young. It was the first glimmer of hope he had felt in months.

"Captain?" Deanna touched his arm.

"I'm fine, Counselor." He cleared his throat. "Would you give Commander Riker my apologies for disrupting his shore leave and please ask him to oversee the refit of the Enterprise? I seem to have quite a few 'repairs' of my own to make. Well, at least to attempt."

"Captain, I want to help you and Beverly, but I need to know what happened. Will you tell me?" Without looking at her, he nodded. "Let's go find some place to sit down."

Turning to leave, they saw Alyssa standing in the doorway. "Dr. Crusher's office is down the hall, second door on the right," she offered quietly.

oxo

Deanna paced the transporter room as she anxiously awaited Will Riker's arrival. After all her years as a counselor, it still amazed her to see people in love blow minor misunderstandings all out of proportion. She paused, considering her own love life. Maybe it wasn't so amazing after all.

She looked up at the sound of the transporter. Will appeared, and the moment he stepped off the pad, she grabbed his arm, dragging him from the room.

In the corridor, Will stopped. "Deanna, what's going on? I have things to do."

"Yes, and you're about to have even more. The captain wants you to oversee the refit. On top of that, I just found out what happened between him and Beverly and why she left and there's someone you have to meet."

Will waited patiently for her to run out of steam. "You do realize you're not making any sense."

She took his arm again, leading him down the hall. "Come on, Uncle Will, I have quite a story to tell you, then we have to figure out what to do about it."

oxo

Beverly woke slowly to the feeling of being watched. Opening her eyes, she looked into a pair of hazel ones she'd never expected to see again except in her daughter. His presence startled her - then scared her. She darted an anxious glance toward the door, thinking of the pediatric ICU down the hall.

"It's all right, Beverly. She's safe. I don't intend to do anything without your express approval. Well, except maybe look at her. She's beautiful, as beautiful as her mother."

Beverly's head swam as she pushed herself to a sitting position. Why was he here? What did he want from her? And why was he sounding so kind after the horrible way he had treated her? "Go away, Jean-Luc. Just leave us alone. You didn't want either of us before, and you can't have her now. She's my daughter, not yours!" She struggled to free herself from the bed covers, intent on protecting her baby. She was still weak and her legs refused to support her.

Jean-Luc caught her as she fell. Helping her back to the bed, he sat on the edge. "This has all been my fault. The argument, the transfer - hell, probably even the shuttle crash. 'I'm sorry' is so completely inadequate to what you deserve." He reached to brush a lock of hair out of her eyes.

Angrily, Beverly slapped his hand away. "I don't want your apology. I don't want anything from you. We don't need you." With strength born of anger and not a little fear, she shoved him off the bed to land in a heap on the floor. He was too stunned to react as she stumbled past him. She'd made it half way across the room when the door opened. This time it was Will Riker's turn to catch her. She squirmed ineffectively in his embrace as she watched Picard rise. "Reinforcements, Jean-Luc? They won't do you any good. You stay away from us. She's mine!"

Deanna pulled Picard toward the door as Will scooped Beverly up in his arms. He sat on the bed, cradling her against his chest. "I promise you, Beverly, nothing is going to happen to you or your baby," he crooned as he stroked her hair.

In the corridor, Picard slumped against the wall. "I had one chance, Deanna, and I ruined it. She'll never listen to me now." Deanna steeled herself against the anguish in his eyes. "My God, she's actually afraid of me! How could I do that to her?"

"She's not really afraid of you," Deanna soothed. "Yes, Beverly was frightened at the time, but you caught her off guard. She wasn't expecting to see you. Will and I are going to talk to her. Once she calms down, she'll listen to you."

Clinging to that slim hope, he pushed away from the wall. His 'Captain's mask' slipped into place as he nodded his thanks to her and walked away.

"She'll listen to you," Deanna murmured, watching his retreating form, "but will she forgive you? That's the real question - and I can't begin to predict the answer." With a sigh, she re-entered Beverly's room.

Deanna was relieved to see that the doctor had calmed down considerably. Will had tucked her back into bed, and she was sipping the glass of water he'd just handed her. Anger flashed in her eyes until she saw that Deanna was alone.

"I'm alright," Beverly said, anticipating the counselor's question. She flushed and ducked her head in embarrassment. "Sorry about that little scene... and the reinforcements comment. It was unfair."

Deanna sat in the chair by the bed. This was going to be a tough session. She might as well get comfortable. "So was what you said to the Captain. He knows he was wrong and wants to correct it."

"I believe I was quite fair with him. This is the wrong time to be deciding he wants to be a father."

"Beverly, he didn't know..."

"So I've heard," she interrupted, glancing at Will, "but it doesn't exactly make me feel better. I practically begged to stay where I clearly wasn't wanted." She paused, frowning as a thought struck her. "And he didn't know I was pregnant because he didn't even grant me the courtesy of reading the damn thing!"

Deanna sighed. Beverly's anger was quite justified, and it wasn't going to be easy getting her past it. "Why wouldn't you talk to me about it? Why couldn't you consider me enough of a friend to let me help?" Deanna had a small bit of anger of her own to work through.

"Deanna..."

"No, Will," Beverly interrupted, "she has a point. But it wasn't you. It was that I felt so... so foolish. I ruined a perfectly good friendship with Jean-Luc, with his help. I got pregnant, again with his help. I let my temper get in the way, and then I was too proud to tell anyone what a mess I'd made. It really was difficult, not saying anything all these months." She laid back against the pillows. "Then came the accident. My condition soured pretty fast." Her face tightened with remembered fear. "I could hear them talking. The baby was in distress, and I couldn't do anything to help her or myself. They took her away so quickly after the delivery; I didn't even get to see her. No one would answer any of my questions. For awhile, I was convinced I was finally going to pay for every mistake I'd ever made."

"I'd say she was more of a pay-off," Will teased gently, trying to chase the gloom away. He was rewarded with a smile.

"Have you seen her?" They both nodded, pleased to see their friend happy, if only for a moment. "She is beautiful, isn't she? I've delivered countless babies, but it's amazing how much tinier they look when they're your own."

Will reached out, playfully tugging on a lock of her hair. "Well, she's got this flaming top, so I definitely want to be around when your redheaded temper comes back to haunt you."

"Dr. Mathis was right," Deanna said, knowing the reaction she was bound to spark. "Renee has the captain's eyes."

The scowl returned as Beverly said, "I know. I can already see so much of him in her. With Wesley, every time I saw a bit of Jack, it made me sad because Jack wasn't there to see it, too. Now, it will just make me mad because Jean-Luc should be there and doesn't deserve to be."

"Beverly, don't say that," Deanna admonished. "You know the captain wants to be with you, be a part of Renee's life. Surely you're not going to deny him that?"

"Why not? He didn't even trust me to be faithful for a week. Doesn't say much for his opinion of me. I don't need him second guessing me at every turn."

"He saw the way you raised Wesley," noted Riker, "he wouldn't do that."

"He saw the way I handled my personal relationships, too. That didn't seem to make much difference," the doctor retorted. From the stubborn set of her jaw, Will and Deanna knew they were in for an uphill battle.

oxo

Word spread quickly through the Enterprise, and a steady flow of people made their way to Beverly's quarters as soon as she was released. Eventually, Dr. Brandeis, the starbase's CMO, had to put a restriction on the number and length of the visits. She recruited Deanna Troi to be sure her instructions were followed.

Deanna also negotiated the agreement that gave Picard access to the ICU when Beverly was occupied elsewhere.

oxo

"I'm not sure you want to be here right now, Will." Beverly smiled wryly as she greeted her latest visitor. She waved him to a seat and continued pacing.

"I wouldn't be here," he said, catching her hand and pulling her down to the couch beside him, "if I didn't want to be. So what, specifically, are you worrying about now?"

She sighed. "Deanna asked me a question earlier. It wasn't a question I'd really considered before, and I don't much like the answer I've come up with." She glanced sideways at him, hoping he would interrupt. Will merely nodded for her to continue. "I'd told her that I didn't want to stay here on the starbase, so she asked where I wanted to go. My instinctive response was 'I want to go home'. Trouble is, I find I don't have one."

"Caldos?"

"I never lived on Caldos. Nana didn't go there until after I was in the Academy. The colony where I was raised doesn't even exist anymore. Ugh," she groaned, on her feet again, running a hand through her hair, "why does Deanna have to ask these questions?"

Will let her make a couple of laps around the couch before making her sit down again. "I'd be glad to offer you a place I have in Alaska, but I know you don't like the cold." He laughed at her raised eyebrow. "Every leave you've ever taken from the Enterprise was to some place warm."

She laughed, too, then sobered. "See? You have Alaska, Deanna has Betazed, Jean-Luc has - well, never mind that. Will, do you really still consider Alaska to be home? Is that where you would go?"

He considered the question for a moment. "Yes, I guess I do. After the Enterprise, of course."

"'Aye, there's the rub', for an appropriate quote. Of all the postings I've had in my career -and trust me, I dragged Wesley all over the galaxy - the Enterprise was the first place that ever truly felt like home. And I can't go back there."

"Why not?"

She looked sideways at him. "Not even funny, Will. Aside from the most obvious reason of Jean-Luc, my job has most efficiently been taken over by Dr. Selar. I wouldn't push her out for my selfish reasons." Her voice dropped. "Besides, I'm tired of being the 'prodigal child' returning time and again because things didn't work out."

"As opposed to those of us who never leave, never try anything new."

She noticed he wasn't looking at her but at the wall. She sighed again, laying her head on his shoulder as he wrapped an arm around her. "Great, now I've depressed you, too."

oxo

With some strategic timing of reports, Will and Geordi managed to stretch the maintenance and repair schedule out from ten days to a full two weeks. Most of the senior staff's free time was spent maintaining a buffer zone between Crusher and Picard. Each one took every opportunity to try to convince the doctor to give him another chance while telling the captain that she would eventually do just that.

Data spent a great deal of time with Beverly, asking questions that from anyone else would have been considered prying. He had read all about the 'mechanics' of pregnancy, but he was far more interested in the 'feelings' of it. His emotion chip was working overtime to process and understand this particular facet of humanity.

tbc


	5. Chapter 5

Chapter 5

Jean-Luc gently placed his daughter back in the crib. He should have been out of the ICU by now, but he was stretching out every second he could. These two weeks had been a revelation to him as he experienced feelings he never knew he had. He had never really imagined himself as a parent, now it was the one thing he most desperately wanted to be. _'But how can I be a part of her life if Beverly won't even talk to me?'_ he wondered.

"What is it? What's wrong?" Beverly's anxious voice cut through his pensive thoughts.

He laid a calming hand on her arm. "Nothing's wrong; look at the monitor." He let go as he saw her relax. "Why did you think something was wrong?"

"You were frowning. I -, wait, why are you here at all? I thought the Enterprise was supposed to break orbit over two hours ago."

"It did, I just wasn't on it."

"Why?" She was beginning to hate this conversation. She didn't like having to ask him for information, but it seemed she didn't have a clue as to what was going on - not exactly a first.

"I'm on leave."

Beverly watched as he reached in to stroke the baby's arm. The simple act touched her heart. Maybe things could work out after all. Then, she remembered why things had to be worked out. She took refuge in anger. "On leave? Here? This is hardly the usual vacation spot."

"That may be," he agreed matter-of-factly, "but this happens to be where you and Renee are, so here I am."

_'Damn!'_ Beverly swore silently. This was the last thing she needed. At least before she had Deanna, Will and the others to run interference, to hide behind. She rubbed her forehead wearily. He took her arm again, this time leading her to the chair beside Renee's crib and pushing her gently into it. Belatedly, she shook off his hand. "Stop that. You weren't this concerned seven months ago."

"I should have been, even if you hadn't been pregnant. I was foolish then. I'm trying to learn from my mistakes."

"Just go away, Jean-Luc."

"I'm not going away, Beverly. I want us to be able to resolve this. For Renee's sake."

"Oh really?" she scoffed sarcastically. "Just how long is your leave?"

"As long as it takes."

His simple answer shook her. Demands or pleading she could fight, but that quiet determination - that was different. He could be a man of infinite patience when he wanted. She wasn't sure she could deal with that... but then she hadn't been planning on dealing with him at all.

Jean-Luc watched the play of emotions across her face and hated himself all over again for hurting her. "I won't force the issue; I'll wait until you're ready to talk to me." Beverly nodded without looking at him.

oxo

Renee was moved out of the ICU, but it was several more days before she was released from Sickbay. The upgrade in her health status meant some changes for her parents. Beverly had not resumed her regular work schedule, but she did spend a few hours each day in the lab. She had, of course, made arrangements for the baby's care months ago, but Picard's presence on the station altered things somewhat.

She reluctantly conceded to Jean-Luc's request that he look after Renee when she was on duty. The doctor's anger had dissipated for the most part. Mistrust had replaced it. Not concerning the baby, of course. She was sure he would never do anything to intentionally hurt her. It was Beverly's own peace of mind she was worried about.

Alyssa Ogawa volunteered to be their new intermediary, shuttling the baby back and forth. On the second day, Picard relieved her of that responsibility. It felt odd not being able to talk directly to Beverly about their child, and he made a move to correct it. Shortly before her afternoon duty session was to end, Beverly was surprised to see Picard enter the lab, Renee in his arms. Since neither one of them was screaming, she was reasonably sure it wasn't a medical emergency. He asked a few questions about children in general, then Renee specifically. After that, they worked out a schedule of pick-ups and deliveries on their own.

Their brief greetings became short chats which turned into actual conversations. They mostly kept to Renee as a safe topic, but she gave them plenty to talk about as they shared observations on her development and day to day activities. Once or twice, Beverly recalled Wesley's infancy, and Jean-Luc found himself fascinated by his daughter's daily case of hiccups. She was amused that he read Shakespeare aloud and played his Ressikan flute to entertain the baby; he was surprised that she made lullabies out of Klingon opera.

They were both aware that this temporary peace would collapse when they finally got around to discussing their real problems.

oxo

"Alyssa, would you do me a favor?" Beverly asked almost hesitantly. The nurse nodded. "I need to file an amended version of Renee's birth certificate, listing Jean-Luc Picard as her father and giving her his name."

"They'll want DNA documentation for that kind of change," Alyssa pointed out quietly. "Should I ask the captain to come in for the tests, or will you be...?"

The doctor waved aside the question. "No need. The Enterprise will have a complete DNA work up after the situation with Jason Vigo, use that."

"Consider it done, then. As soon as I get the captain's file, I'll prepare the amendment for you to send in."

Beverly started to say something, then changed her mind and left without another word. Alyssa smiled as she keyed in the requisition for the medical file - routing the request through Counselor Troi. Not the most common way, but valid none the less.

She also made a mental note to be sure the new father received a copy of the birth certificate.

tbc


	6. Chapter 6

Chapter 6

Jean-Luc Picard was as scared as he had ever been. A show down on the Cardassian border would almost be preferable to what he was about to do. He had waited four long weeks for this chance; he only hoped they could resolve this without fighting.

He and Beverly? Not argue? They'd been known to argue over how many croissants to have for breakfast. Squaring his shoulders, he pressed the door chime.

"Come." It wasn't exactly an invitation, but it didn't sound openly hostile either. Entering, he saw Beverly was standing behind the couch, using it not so much as a shield as a barricade. He could hardly blame her. He almost wished he had one when she fired the first volley. "We need to keep our voices down, Renee is asleep."

He nodded, acknowledging her concern but recognizing the manipulation, too. "May I look in on her?" he asked, making his own stand.

Beverly stiffened. She had deliberately put Renee to bed early just to spite him and now felt guilty because he saw right through it, calling her on it in the most subtle way. She directed him down the short hallway without a word. Alone again for the moment, she paced nervously. Things had been going fairly well between them, but now she was feeling a vague sense of abandonment because she knew he was ready to get back the Enterprise. She'd had a part time relationship with Jack, and she didn't particularly want to go through that again. She was getting rather tired of arranging her life to suit the men she loved: Jack, Wesley, Jean-Luc. The real question now - what was she going to do about it?

oxo

They had been talking for over an hour, and Beverly felt as though they'd been going in circles the entire time.

"I used to think my worst fear would be to lose you, but the uncertainty would be worse. I don't want to spend my life waiting for your insecurities to flare up. And Renee shouldn't have to either."

"I'm human, I'm insecure. Go ahead, take a phaser and finish me off - or give me a chance to change."

"Jean-Luc, would we even be having this conversation if it weren't for Renee?"

He pondered the question for a moment and wasn't really surprised at the answer. "No, we wouldn't. The Enterprise would have stopped here for the refit, you and I would have achingly polite to each other, and I would have found myself again in the same position I've been in for months."

"Which is?"

"Alone with my fears and without my best friend." He sighed, moving to look out the viewport. "I managed to keep my righteous indignation simmering for all of two weeks. When I got back from the Admirals' dinner, there was a letter from Marie. It was just local news, a trip she'd taken, something about the winery. Nothing dramatic, nothing overly important, but I found myself eager for morning to come so I could share it with you over breakfast. Then I remembered you weren't coming - because I'd sent you away. For a minute, I couldn't even remember why. When I did remember, all the anger had drained away. I knew what a colossal mistake I'd made."

"Why couldn't you have had a little faith in me?" It was the one point she had never understood.

The crack in her voice tore at his heart. He turned to face her. "I had every faith in you, Beverly... every faith that I wouldn't be enough for you. You were right that day, calling me a coward. I didn't even have the nerve to tell you I loved you all those years ago, even before you married Jack. The fault was within me. I found facing down aliens easier; they only want your heart for dinner." He paused, knowing that admitting his flaws had been easier than what was coming next - admitting his deliberate actions. "So I decided to push you away before you could walk away."

"Decided? It was a conscious move?"

"Oh yes - but it didn't unfold the way I had imagined. You didn't slink away with a guilty conscience. You fought back." He smiled wryly. "And even through my petty jealousy, I loved you all the more for standing up to me."

"Wasn't I the lucky one? A heroine and a pariah at the same time."

Jean-Luc sighed, _'Here we go, once more around the circle.'_

_oxo_

When Beverly awoke, she was surprised to find herself on the couch. Why... oh yes. She remembered they had decided to table their conversation since they weren't getting anywhere. But neither of them had wanted to part. She offered him tea, and they found themselves falling into one of their old-style, easy flowing chats, discussing everyone and everything but their own situation. It was the most relaxed she had felt in months.

She must have dozed off because she didn't remember Jean-Luc leaving. That would explain the blanket covering her. But where was he now? She sighed as the recalled the conversation that hadn't actually resolved anything. Beverly had never really believed in Fate mostly because of situations like this. She hated the idea of a cosmic force with a twisted sense of humor.

Glancing at the chronometer, she pushed the blanket away and rose, heading down the hall. Renee would be awake any minute now, and her daughter had already shown that she did _not_ like having to wait for her meals. Beverly stopped dead in her tracks at Renee's door.

In the patch of starlight streaming in the window, Jean-Luc stood holding the baby. Two pairs of matching eyes regarded one another. Renee listened intently as he spoke. Beverly listened, too.

"Your mother's still sleeping. You can wait a few more minutes to eat. She needs her rest, and you and I need to take every opportunity to get to know each other. We may not have very many chances over the next few years. You must always remember, Renee, that the problem is between your mother and me and has nothing at all to do with you. We both love you. That will never change."

"Now, I'm not going to be around every day, although I'm not certain that has much to do with being a father any way. I lived in the same house with my father, and we never really knew each other. I always called him 'Father', but I believe I prefer 'Papa'. What do you think? Can you say 'Papa', Renee? Say 'Papa'. No? Well, there's plenty of time for that."

Tenderly, he smoothed her hair then let his fingertip trace her delicate features. It amazed him that this beautiful creature was a part of him and of Beverly. Slipping his finger into her fist, he bent to kiss her hand. "You're so tiny. I wonder what you'll be like when you're all grown up? Stubborn and determined, I'd wager, if there's anything to heredity. You've gotten a double dose of each from both sides. I hope you'll have your mother's courage and caring and compassion-but maybe a little more of my diplomacy to take some of the edge off that redheaded temper you already seem destined for." He lowered his voice conspiratorially, and Beverly strained to hear. "I'll let you in on a secret. I love your mother's temper. Well, when it's not directed at me, that is. I love to see that fire in her eyes." He chuckled softly as Renee squirmed in his arms. Beverly took half a step forward, but he settled the baby easily, placing her up on his shoulder, rubbing her back.

"What will fire your soul, little one? The stars and exploration, or medicine and healing? Does a love of the land and grapes and wine run in your veins, or will you take to the stage? Will the universe be your home, or will you find one very special place to call your own? Will you find the one true love to complete your life? And if you do, will you be wise enough and strong enough to never let him go?"

His voice dropped again, but for a far different reason. "Ah, ma chere, I've made such a mess of things. I finally convinced her to set her fears aside only to be overwhelmed by my own. I had waited so long for her; I couldn't let myself believe she was really mine." Beverly could see his brow furrow into a mock frown. "That sounded rather possessive, didn't it? Perhaps it does, but then, I've been hers' for longer than she could imagine. And yet everything is still a mess. She can't trust what I tell her and not talking is what landed us here in the first place. I only hope that I won't have to be patient for another 25 years."

Renee began to fuss. She had been patient long enough. He cradled her again in his arm and tickled her stomach. "Refueling time?" She wriggled harder and let out a small cry. "Don't get indignant with me, young lady. All right, let's go find your mama." He turned then stopped when he saw Beverly in the doorway.

tbc


	7. Chapter 7

Chapter 7

Beverly wiped the tears from her face and crossed the room. "Thank you for keeping an eye on her," she said a bit hoarsely as Jean-Luc handed her the baby. She moved to the nearby rocker and sat down.

"Yes, well... I, um, I guess I'll see you tomorrow then," he mumbled. He hated leaving, making his pace unconsciously slow. He paused, almost in the same place she had stood, when he heard her soft whisper.

"Don't go."

He turned to see that she had adjusted her clothes, and Renee was nursing. Bathed in the tranquil glow of starlight, it was one of the most beautiful sights he had ever seen.

"Jean-Luc, I-" she broke off. Her mouth quirked in consternation. "With you over there, I feel like I'm shouting."

He retraced his steps, stopping at her side. Nervously, Beverly lowered her gaze, her fingers fidgeting with the baby's blanket. He watched the light glint on her hair.

"I heard you talking to Renee." She hesitated, suddenly uncertain of how to proceed.

"It wasn't anything I haven't said before."

"Yes, but this time, I listened." She paused, but her voice still trembled when she continued. "Jean-Luc, I lived on anger for seven months, because anger was easier than remembering what you thought of me."

"I was stupid to think that. Insecurity was no excuse and blaming you for that insecurity was even worse." He clenched his fist to keep himself from reaching out to touch her. "I knew you. That should have been more than enough."

"I should have fought harder to make you understand. I've bullied my point across for far less important reasons in the past. I should have-"

"It doesn't matter now," Jean-Luc broke in, dropping to one knee beside her chair, taking her free hand in his. "We've both got to put the past behind us, concentrate on the future and Renee and how we're going to fit these three lives together."

She wouldn't let it go. This time she wouldn't let anything go unspoken. "But as you said a moment ago, I knew you, too. I knew you could never deny your child." She swallowed hard. "After I came here, the only time I cried was the first time she kicked. Not those little flutters that only mothers feel, but that first 'put your hand here and feel this' kick. I wanted so much to share it with you, to see your face when you felt your child move for the first time. It hurt to believe you didn't want to be a part of that."

"Beverly, don't. That's my regret, not yours. My own actions kept me from being able to share those earliest moments of our daughter's life."

"Are you disappointed, Jean-Luc? That she's not a boy, I mean? Someone to carry on the Picard family name?"

"She's already carried it to another generation. What more could I ask for? She's here, and she's healthy. That's all that counts." He lifted the hand tightly clasped in his and kissed it. "And if I haven't said it before, thank you for our daughter. Now you get some rest. We'll talk again in the morning," he said, rising to his feet. He smoothed her hair then leaned over to kiss her forehead.

Beverly swore silently. Sometimes, his chivalry was really annoying. She wasn't about to let him out of her sight after everything they'd been through. Faced with rather limited options, she took the most direct one. She reached up as he straightened and grabbed a fistful of his shirtfront. He braced himself with both hands on the arm of the rocker as she pulled him down.

She lifted her face to meet him. Their kiss was tender and deliberate, more caring than passionate. It was a gentle confirmation of love, not desire or need. He ended the kiss, whispering her name, but she didn't release him. This time, she brought his mouth back to hers for an altogether different kind of kiss. Hungry and demanding, their pent-up emotions were trying to make up for lost time. He lifted one hand to slide his fingers through her hair, pulling her closer.

Renee made her presence known as Beverly's hold on her tightened a bit too much. Her parents broke apart, smiling sheepishly. They were only beginning to realize how their lives had changed.

After the appropriate sound effects and apparel changes, they settled Renee in her crib. "Bonne nuit, ma chere," he whispered softly.

Outside the door, Beverly stopped, a slight frown creasing her brow. "Jean-Luc, are you sure about this?"

He wrapped his arms loosely around her waist, pulling her to him. "This what?"

"All this," she replied, waving her hand. "Me, a baby, a life turned upside down."

"Oh, that. Let's see, do I want the woman I love, who also happens to be my best friend and the mother of my child? Do I want a beautiful daughter, a child I never dreamed I'd have? Do I want to watch her grow into a strong, independent young woman and share every moment of it with her mother?" He kissed Beverly gently. "Why would I want any of this?" The second time, the kiss lingered. "Because now I don't want anything but this."

"It does sound lovely," she sighed, resting her head on his shoulder, "if a bit impractical."

"Why impractical?" He rubbed her back, much as he had done for Renee. Beverly could understand why the baby had quieted so quickly.

"Don't you think it's going to be rather difficult sharing things with you on the Enterprise and me who knows where?"

He laughed softly, enjoying the feeling of being able to hold her in his arms again. "No, that's easy. If we can't get you back on the Enterprise, then I'll just go where ever you go."

She drew back, her eyes widening. "But you love the Enterprise."

"No, I love you." Her raised eyebrow told him it wasn't a sufficient answer. "Yes, I do like being captain, and Will, Deanna, Geordi and Data are my dearest friends, but you are my family. You have been for a very long time."

It was her turn to laugh. "So where does Renee fit into all this?"

"Renee is a very special added bonus." He caressed her cheek. "Beverly, after you left, I was on a ship surrounded by people, and I never felt more alone. I don't ever want to be separated from you again."

"What will we do if I'm posted to another starbase or some colony?"

"I'll take a sabbatical. Spend a year or so being a full time father. Catch up on some of my archaeological studies. Love you and spoil you within an inch of your life." A kiss punctuated each sentence.

She caught and held the last kiss just to shut him up. "What about Starfleet? Think they'll be willing to give up their best captain?"

"I've given a large portion of my life to Starfleet, and career-wise, it's been good. But personally, now I want more. I want a life. I want you. I want Renee."

Beverly's heart soared at his words. She would never have asked him to make such a sacrifice... but if he was going to make the offer, she would certainly take him up on it. At the moment though, she didn't want to talk about their future. She put on a stern face, or rather the sternest one she could muster while being this happy. "You want this, and you want that. What about what I want?" Jean-Luc's face fell so quickly, she could barely keep up her pretense.

"I'm sorry, Beverly. I was being presumptuous. Um, what do you want?" Now that he had asked the question, he was terrified of the answer.

"I want to be loved and spoiled within an inch of my life." The smile returned to his face as she kissed him. "I want more than a career. I want a life. I want Renee." A kiss punctuated each sentence as she pushed him back against the wall. "Most of all, I want you... right now." Ten impatient fingers made short work of the fasteners on his shirt and were headed for the waistband of his pants when his hands grasped hers.

"Beverly, I... that is, are you... is this - are you sure?" his voice was thick as he tried to keep his head clear enough to form a complete sentence.

She pouted slightly as she stepped back. "Jean-Luc, I'm sure, but if you've changed your mind..." she started to turn away.

He caught her wrist, pulling her back against him. "I will never change my mind about you. But I am trying to mend a most grievous habit of making assumptions. I'm trying to get all the facts so I don't make another mistake." He brushed a wisp of hair off her cheek, reveling in the passion he saw in her clear blue eyes. "Is this safe for you? I mean, after the pregnancy and the accident and the surgery... I don't want to hurt you ever again - in any way."

"Dr. Brandeis gave me a full release just yesterday." She kissed his chest as her hands went back to their previous occupation. "She was quite specific, too. 'All physical activity', she said. I do believe she has joined the ranks of the matchmakers who want us to be together."

"Isn't it good of us to make so many people happy?" Another pair of eager hands joined the disrobing process as they sought to relearn each other.

Epilogue

They lay snuggled together. Beverly savored the feel of his chest pressed against her back, his strong arms wrapped around her. She had missed these simple little moments, just the two of them. Jean-Luc gently ran a hand over her slightly rounded stomach. "I wish I'd seen you pregnant," he murmured in her ear. "I'm so sorry you had to go through that all alone."

"It doesn't matter now," she said, repeating his earlier words as she stilled his hand, lacing her fingers through his. "Besides, you have seen me pregnant before."

"And you were beautiful then, but this would have been different."

Beverly turned in his arms, raising up on an elbow to look at him. "Because it was your child?"

"Yes, but that's not all." He reached up to caress her cheek. "Back then, you were young and bright with anticipation for the future. This time, that anticipation would have been tempered with the knowledge of the past."

She buried her face in his neck. "I had a past even before I married Jack. But you're right, back then I thought all the bad times were behind me." He hugged her tightly, murmuring softly in her ear. She loved the sound of his voice, especially the deep rumble as he spoke his native French. It made her curious about something. "What did you call Renee earlier? 'Ma chere'?"

"Yes, it means 'my dear'."

"It's different from what you call me," she probed shyly.

"Very different." He placed a finger under her chin, tipping her face up for a tender kiss. "Beverly, you are and always have been 'ma coeur'-my heart."

The End

/o/o/o/o/o/o/o/o/o/o/o/o/

"Within my heart  
I know I will never start  
To smile again,  
Until I smile at you."

I'll Never Smile Again  
By Ruth Lowe


End file.
